Progress

i FINALLY am starting to lose. i'm on my period right now, (ugh), so im bloated and gained like 2 pounds from water weight, but on monday i weighed in at 124.8, then tuesday was 123.0, and today it's 122.8. that's two pounds in two days!!! :D my little sister goes to a diving class in the morning, and my mom stays with her so i get two hours of alone time every day. i use that time to read pro-ana blogs and not eat without somebody being angry. today, my sister didn't go, but my mom left the house anyway, so i just threw out the soup that i had made. i'm not a very good cook anyway. :( always put to much teriyaki sauce on everything. lol. i'm hoping to post some progress pics soon but i want to get down to 120 first. if i keep going at the rate i am now it'll be REALLY easy.


stay skinny!

Caffeine

ok, i have a thing for caffeine. what i do is take like 1/2 a cup of ground coffee and put it in four cups of water, creating a coffee drink so strong that my caffeine-addicted father won't even touch it. i'm also on my period, (so that's a thing), and i've been taking lots of midol. the only thing is, i have to eat something to go along with it or else i'll puke. and to some people, that might not be a bad thing, but i would just be puking up the pain meds and caffeine that i need and some water. lots and LOTS of water.


it's pretty much impossible to fast at my house, so i consume lots of caffeine to raise my metabolism. it actually works, and i've lost 5 pounds in the last week! :D now i'm down to 124.8.  not tiny, but closer. i no longer have an enormous pooch. it's significantly smaller under the boobage-area. :)


stay thin!

Oh my god.....

I am disgusted with myself. it has been MONTHS since i've posted anything, and I did something totally weird...
I asked for help.
I knew what my problem was, that i had anorexia, and i told my mom. She helped me get out of it. But guess what? I had to gain back the 20 pounds i lost. Well, not all of it, but like 10 or 12. And i actually didn't look that bad. then on the last day of school this kid told me that i had thunder thighs. I took him DOWN but it still hurt. Now i'm back to ana and hope that she can get me back on the losing track. I'm going to a new school next year so i want to completely reinvent myself and be gorgeous and nice and smart and tough.......


I want to be anything but ordinary.

Nightmare

The burger was right there. Big, meaty, juicy, tender, crispy lettuce and thick, sour pickle slices, ketchup oozing out the sides, steam curling from it.....
I raised it to my lips to take a bite...
And sat bolt upright in bed, sweat cascading down my back and arms in rivulets, I breathed heavily in and out.
"What's wrong?" asked Ana.
"Bad dream." I mumbled and rubbed my eyes with my knuckles like a small child.
"What was it about?" Ana said innocently, as if she didn't know.
"Being hungry." I said. "And eating."
"What's so bad about that?"
I thought about it. What WAS so bad about the dream? What had caused that thrill of terror when I picked up the burger? What was it? Then I remembered...
" I was huge." I said slowly, my eyes wide with horror. "A total whale. My stomach dragged along the floor, and my butt draped over each side of the chair i was sitting on."
Ana covered her mouth with her hand. "Disgusting."
I nodded.
"Why would you even dream about that anyway?" She asked.
I thought for a moment. "Probably because I'm hungry and tomorrow is binge day."
She nodded. "What are you bingeing on?"
"Sushi, ice cream, and brownies." I said immediatly. I had been planning all week.
She shuddered. "Yuck. But it IS binge day, and you need a reward to keep you going. One meal won't kill you."
I glared at her. She was being sarcastic.
She put her hands up in front of her body. "Okay, okay. Since tomorrow is binge day, I'll take a little vacation. I need to visit some of the girls who threw me out."
She stood up and wiggled her fingers at me. "Tell me what your weight is when you weigh yourself tomorrow. mkay?"
"WHAT?!" I exclaimed.
She laughed at my expression. "It's been a week. Tommorrow is weigh day. Weigh yourself in the morning. and then pig out at night. I won't be there to stop you, but please at least TRY to restrain yourself just a LITTLE bit."
I nodded, the idea of weighing myself had my empty stomach twisted into knots.
"Bye."
"Bye."
She vanished.
When Ana was gone, I thought about tommorrow. What would I weigh? Should I take it easy on the brownies? Would I gain back all the weight I had lost by bingeing?
I rolled over to go back to sleep.
Weigh Day.
That's a real nightmare.

Resistance

"WHY did you do that???" Ana exclaimed as I rinsed of my little plate.
"Because I'm starving and it was only 70 calories." I replied a little defensively. "A person burns more than that just to keep them alive in just a few hours. I'll be fine. It's just an egg."
"Well, you can't have anything until dinner tonight then. I won't allow it." She said peevishly, crossing her arms and furrowing her brow.
"I was already planning that. And a good workout this afternoon too." I said to placate her.It worked. She brightened.
"Okay, you seem pretty good about it. I've had girls cry after I tell them stuff like that." She rolled her eyes. "You're much stronger."
I glowed with pleasure. I thrived in Ana's praise. A little happy balloon of accomplishment swelled inside me and I grinned proudly as I slung my backpack over my shoulders.
"But no school orange juice today. It's 60 calories and 70+60=130 and you can't have 100 calories or more until dinner...ANYTIME."
The little happy balloon popped and my proud grin disappeared and was replaced with a frowning sulk. I felt like a scolded child.
Ana knew. She put her hand on my shoulder."It's just fluorescent orange concentrated carbs. Nothing more. You can get the same effect with Splenda Water." (She had showed me the fantastic invention that is splenda water. Five packets in a tall glass of water with a little squeeze of lemon. No calories, and very much like watered-down lemonade.)
I brightened. She was right. "I'll never drink that orange juice again." I vowed.
She grinned at me and thumped me on the back. "That's my girl."

*Later*

"Ew, look at her." Ana said with ill-disguised disgust as a chubby girl walked by. "It makes me want to gag when I see a girl ruining her looks with all that fat. She will grow and grow until she is over 300 pounds and unhappy."
She smiled at me and continued  her speech. "But you'll be with me forever, and we'll be thin and happy together." She hugged me.
I hugged her back. "Always." I said sincerely.
"Now let's go home. You can have your SMALL dinner now."
"mkay."
 As we walked home she jabbered on and on about exercises and foods that were okay and not okay and the calorie, fat, and sodium content of various foods. She pointed out every fat person that we saw and laughed at the way they jiggled and their lack of self control. She thought herself superior to them, and I couldn't blame her. It took REAL strength to do what we were doing. We didn't give in to food. 

*Later than that*

"Hi honey." My mother said as I walked in the door. "How was your day?" I told her about my day, describing in detail the gross lunch I didn't eat.
"Well, tonight we're having fried chicken." She said as she gasped along with me at the horrors of the school food. 
"Um...... I'm trying to eat healthier. Can I have a salad instead?" I said as politely as I could.
"Sure." She replied. "Have some tuna with it." She looked at the clock."I have to go pick up your sisters from ballet."  She gave me a quick squeeze. "I'll be right back." She hurried out the door.
I busied myself with making my salad and resisting the delicious smell of fried chicken. When I opened up the pantry to get the tuna, there was already somebody in there.
I gasped as an enourmously fat girl squeezed herself out of the pantry and gave me a horrible  grin. "It's awfully cramped in there. I'm surprised you resisted me so long." She handed me something: a jar of peanut butter and a big spoon. As I stared at the hideous, bulky girl standing in front of me, I managed to gasp out a question.
"Wh-wh-who are you!?"
She smiled horrible and said in a sweet, sugary, oily voice "My name is B. B for Binge. And I need a Binge Buddy." She unscrewed the peanut butter jar's lid and pushed the jar up towards my face so that I could smell  its heavenly contents.
Ana was there in seconds of course. "Don't Lauren, it's not worth the pain you feel later. Think of those skinny girls teasing you!"
I froze with the loaded spoon halfway to my mouth. I thought about it. I thought about all the reasons I wanted to lose weight. I thought of my promise to Ana that I would ALWAYS listen to her.
I put the spoon down, but the peanut butter jar away, and grabbed my tuna. B shrieked at me as I opened the can, spread the fish over my salad, and got the heck out of there.
"Good girl. I hate B. She's aways messing up my girls." She hugged me. "But you did extremely well for a first time meeting her. Somewhere along the line you will give in, but that's to be expected." She smoothed down the front of her t-shirt. I squirmed at the sound of B's wailing:
"YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME FOREVER!!!! I'M A PART OF YOU JUST LIKE ANA IS!!!!! I'M ALWAYS HERE!!! ALWAYS!!!"
Ana made a face. "SHUT UP!!!" She screamed at B.
 B shut up.
I took my first mouthful of salad. I hadn't had anything except that egg all day, and that was long gone. My stomach was snarling like a panther caught in a trap and that first bite of salad felt like heaven to it. It felt so good that I wanted to bolt down my food, but I took small bites; savored it. It would be my only food until tomorrow night.
"And for a good reason." Said Ana. "Look at you fat belly and chubby arms! Yuck"
I looked at the areas she indicated. Damn. She was right.
I ended up bolting my salad and running for my room so I could workout.
As Ana watched.

 

Setting Up

"Okay. Now the first thing you have to do is get a goal weight set up. So... what is your weight now?" Ana said, pen poised over a sheet of paper ready to be my weight-loss secretary. 

"'mmmmm....... 125." I said. I had weighed myself that morning and was relieved that it wasn't horribly high....like 145.

Ana shuddered delicately, probably thinking of all that hideous fat on her pretty little bones. "Ew. Okay now what's your goal weight?"

"110." I replied immediately.

"So high?"

"Just a starting weight. If I get there and like it, I'll maintain it. And if I get there and i wanna go a bit further, I'll go further."

Ana nodded and wrote it down. "That's a good way to think about it. Having mental health is important when doing stuff like this."

"I agree."

"Yeah."

Ana grinned "And it's hella better than what you've got going on now." She said and playfully squished a roll of fat on my waist. 

I laughed with her and she wrote something else down.

"What's that?"

"Current info and goals." Said Ana as she erased something and resumed writing.

CW: 125 lbs

SGW: 110 lbs

LTGW: 100 lbs

"I'm sorry, i don't speak text." I said jokingly and Ana replied "Current Weight, Starting Goal Weight, Long Tern Goal Weight."

"Got it. And Why such a low weight? Isn't that unhealthy?"

Ana gave me a look. 

"Okay, okay, 100 is fine."

She wrote it down.

"So...how should i start the eating plan?" I asked her.

She grinned and started to write:

• No breakfast
• No lunch
• Orange or apple for snack after school. ONLY one.
• Small dinner
• Lots of water  

"Wow. That looks so easy-" I began, but Ana cut me off.

"No, it is NOT easy.It'll be painful. You will crave everything you see and want to eat everything somebody cooks for you. You have to resist. Be strong. Every hunger pang you feel, remember that that's what it's like to be in a starving country, and that you're experiencing what millions of children are going through. embrace the emptiness you feel; it only helps you stay strong."

"Wow. You're so good at pep- talks and inspiration." I said with quiet reverence.

Ana grinned with pride. "It's why I'm here."

"And why I let you in."  

She hugged me "Of course it is."

Ana

I rushed to my room with tears in my eyes, those girls’ remarks still sounding in my ears. My body shook with silent sobs of humiliation and anger. How dare they say such horrible things about me!? How dare they taunt me with such painful words!? Pig. Fatty. Fatso. Oinker. Why would they say such things anyway?

“Because they’re true.” Said a sharp, high voice. A ghostly hand reached through my window, followed by a head, torso, and legs. The skeletal frame of a girl sat cross-legged on the bed across from me. “Nobody says things like that unless they’re true.”

“Why thank you.” I said sarcastically, wiping the tears away. “And who are you?”

The thin girl sat up straight and held out her hand. “I’m Ana. And I can give you the thing you want the most.”

I shook her hand and asked “What is it that you think I want?”

“Well, I KNOW that you want to be thin. More than anything. And I can help you with that.”She cocked her head and a little smile played on her lips. “But you will have to show me that you want it.”

"I do want it." I whispered. Hoping that my tear-stained face looked as sincere as I felt.

She grinned at me. "Good." 

"But how exactly are you going to help me?" I asked. 

Her expression turned serious and she leaned in to whisper in my ear. "Every time you're about to put a bite of food in your mouth, I will be there to ask you if you really want it. Every time you're about to down a bag of chips, I will be there telling you to stop. Because really what does food do? I mean, you need SOME to live of course, but not all the junky stuff you're so addicted to. It's only satisfying for the moment you're putting it in your mouth and tasting it, then it will be with you for a long time......sitting in your waist roll. Remember, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, I can tell you that first hand. You will also exercise: you will run until you drop and do sit-ups until your entire body burns, you will do laps in an icy pool until your lips turn blue and you can't feel your toes."

I shuddered "That doesn't sound good. Is it really worth all that hunger and suffering?"

"You mean thin?"

"Yeah."

"Well of course it's worth it! Don't you want to be able to run around on the beach in your little string bikini and not feel disgusting? Don't you wanna be able to look at that skimpy little outfit in Rave and know that you would look damn good in it? Don't you want boys to fall at your feet and be able to pick you up and swing you around without struggling?"

"HELL YEAH!!!!" 

"Then listen to me, do what i tell you, and i will give you toned little thighs, a flat, firm little tummy, and an adorable ass. Listen to me, let me be your diet coach and your cheerleader, and I will give you what you want the most. Thin."

"Wait..........what you're saying sounds a lot like anorexia." I said, hesitating.

"Yes, and?"

"Well....isn't that like.....you know......a disease?" 

"Do you have a vegetarian friend/"

"Yes."

"She doesn't eat meat, does she?"

"It's a he actually but yeah, he doesn't eat meat."

"So he doesn't eat a certain food and nobody thinks vegetarianism is a disease correct?"

"Yeah, it's a lifestyle......oh.....I get it now........."

"Ahhhhh you see my point now don't you? it's a lifestyle, people are just jealous because you have more willpower than them. You can do what they can't: go without food. If your vegetarian friend can go without meat, you can go without food. Got it?"

"Got it."

'Good" She slapped me on the back and vanished. 

"Ana?" I gasped.

'Don't freak out kid, I'm right here."

"Where?!" I choked.

"In your mind, where I will be from now on. I'll always be here, but I'll come out when we have time to chat." 

"Will you ever leave me, Ana?"

"If I need a vacation, yes. But then I'll send Mia in."

"Who is Mia?"

"A friend of mine, but don't worry, if you listen to me, you'll never meet her. Hopefully."

"Why don't I want to meet her?"

"She's a last resort, just don't go down that path okay?"

I yawned. "Okay Ana. Whatever you say."

"Good. Now get some sleep, you'll need it in the morning." She laughed, "I've got a killer workout planned for when you get home from school!"

"Good night Ana."

"Good night Lauren."